I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
