Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
