dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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