the condom got lost in my hair
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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