And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
