Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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