I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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