JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
