So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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