You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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