I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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