it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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