Kareoke will never be a sober sport
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
