The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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