ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
