Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
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