so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
