i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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