I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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