I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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