As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
