can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
