I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
