im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
