the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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