The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
