Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
