Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
