So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
