I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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