Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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