When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
