I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
