Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
