i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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