Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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