fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
