My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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