I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
