Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize