I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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