I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
