im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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