We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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