I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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