If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
