this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
