Girls should come with a carfax report
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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