the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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