whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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