So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
