Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i wish my penis had a tongue
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
