Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
