You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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