I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
