remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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