when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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