I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
